Things You Don't Want Your GM To Say

Things You Don’t Want Your GM To Say

  • “You don’t detect any traps.”
  • It appears to be a treasure chest.
  • “Roll a Will save.”
    • “Hm… 9.”
    • “Okay! You feel fine!”
  • “Where are my d6s?”
  • “Large rattling of dice without words.”
  • (when playing as a paladin:) “Roll a bluff check.”
  • “And, you may or may not have mummy rot and ghoul fever.”
  • “I had written down what happens when the whale appears.”
    • “What is the most powerful spell you have prepared?
    • “Empowered Fireball.”
    • “That goes off.”
  • “You’re going to need a whole lot of fort saves.”
  • “Are we still in initiative?” “Yes, because there’s a dragon coming.”
  • “Oh darn, I don’t have enough big minis.”
    • … conspicuous silence and a mischievous smirk
  • “I don’t have enough die to roll this”
  • “You feel an eerie… no, eerie isn’t the right word. Flesh-scouring! You feel a flesh-scouring wind.”
  • “Zari, it is you versus the Jubjub bird.”
  • “Hey, your character is an elf woman, right?”
  • “I don’t know if I have enough d8s for this.”
  • “I like this plan. This is best plan. You should do this.”
  • “Okay. It’s time.
  • “You don’t have time. You can roll initiative!”
  • “How many hit points do you have left?”
  • “Many damage.” little smile (referring to a dragon’s powerful bite)
  • “Gozo, roll a will save.”
    • “Oooh… nat 1.”
    • “Okay. I’m going to send you a message….”
  • “So, good news and bad news. Good news: you know it’s an illusion! Bad news: now you’re dumb.” (describing touch of idiocy)
  • “He says something very naughty. The Will DC is 24. If you pass, you lose two points of Strength. If you fail, you lose five Strength. Also you are paralyzed.”
  • “Does he even have Power Attack? Hrm.”
  • “Hm. I seem to be running out of very large minis.”
    • “So you’re going to use the whole harrow deck?”
    • “So I’m going to use the whole harrow deck.”
  • rolls 7 dice “Well, on the good side, he’s rolling terribly. He still hits you, uh….” starts trying to calculate modifiers, then stop “Hm. Let’s just start rolling damage.”
  • Player, jokingly seeing GM go for dice: “I’m going to need more d6’s.”
    • GM: “I’m going to need more d6’s. Sixteen more, to be exact.”
    • Players pause awkwardly. “What.”
    • GM: “This is the dragon’s bite with Greater Vital Strike!”
  • “Roll a Fort save.”
    • “Very high.”
    • “Exactly how high is very high?”
  • “He can’t hit most of you in the back with his cone… so he’s going to use his line!”
    • “But that’ll miss Zari, who crit him!”
    • “Don’t worry, he’s going to deal with Zari another way….”
  • [GM rolls a bunch of dice, starts ordering, pauses…] “Oooh. I got a straight.”
  • [GM squints at a bunch of stats, muttering to himself] “… 60 ft cone… or….”
  • “Hey, Lazulum. Do you have anything that looks like it makes you immune to being grappled?”
  • “Because of geometry, you need to roll a will save.”
  • “Why are d8s so hard to find?”
  • [after listening to some dumb ideas from the players] “Wait, let me write that down.” [some brief typing] “Maybe not this campaign, but….”
  • “Everyone can make a Fort save.” [everyone rolls] “Did anyone get any low numbers? Anyone get below a 30? No? Good! Then no one dies to the opening salvo.”
  • GM: “It’s a book ooze. It’s made up of animated books, so it has a hive mind and can be affected by mind-affecting things. However, if it passes a Will save, it splits.”
    • Witch: “I cast maze [with a Greater Piercing Rod]. 40 Spell Pen?”
    • GM: “Yep, It works.” [starts removing pile of dice representing ooze]
    • Paladin, jokingly: “It goes back to the library!”
    • GM: “Wait.” [puts the dice back] “Maze doesn’t work. You can’t remove books from the library [of Exene].”
    • Paladin, unhelpfully: “The ooze is 51% books about minotaurs!”
  • “You are not turned to stone, however, you are poisoned to death.”
  • “I almost feel badly about this.”
  • “Zari, you are in the stomach of a dragon.”
  • “I need a d30. It’s d30 time.”
  • GM as NPC gunslinger: “Oh hi.”
    • Witch PC: “Hi!!!”
    • GM, OOC: “Bang!
  • GM: “52 [to hit]?”
    • Gunslinger/Grand Marshal: “No. It’s a 53 with justice.”
    • GM: “Oh, well he shouldn’t have rolled a 2 then.”
  • Witch PC: “Oh yeah! The Keep says hi!”
    • Evil Rakshasa, evilly: “If you survive, tell him I say hi back.
    • Witch PC, mimicking the Rakshasa OOC: “We are pen pals.
  • “He was going to cast dazing meteor swarm.”
  • Paladin PC: “60 points of damage.”
    • GM: “Okay.” pause “Oh. Wait.” shakes a bunch of dice, then rolls one die, then a second, then a third “Hm. Okay. Continue.” (It turns out it was for displacement, but in his own words, “The GM rolling dice silently tends to be a bad thing.”)
  • Referring to the Big Bad Dragon’s helm: “It’s a ‘Dimensional Anchor, and don’t confuse me’ hat.”
  • “Oh. He casts the super secret dragon spell: dragon’s rage!”
  • “TIamat arrives.”
  • “‘You are in impending danger.’ That’s what foresight tells you.”
  • “Don’t worry about it.” briefest pause “Wait.” laughs “I don’t know why I said, ’don’t worry about it’ right then.”
  • “You passed the save this round, so you only talk half damage.”
  • “She shoots a ray of light at you. It changes colors wildly as it goes to you.”
  • Wizard: “What’s the spell called?”
    • GM: “Maddening Whispers. Don’t bother looking it up.” [suggesting that it’s homebrew] “It’s like confusion but way worse.”
  • “Roll 3d20 and tell me the lowest.”

Things You Do Want Your GM To Say

  • “And the balor is like, ‘Oh dang! Mofos!’” / “And the balor wastes his turn attacking the pretend mofos.”
  • “Okay. Which enemies are still up?”
  • “… And the blind guy with the crossbow tries to speechify [against you].”
    • “How many mugs are thrown by the crowd [on our side]?”
    • “Oh, [don’t worry,] the crowd hasn’t gone yet.”
  • “I’ll take the Snakeskin Tunic.”
    • “So you can wear a snake while you’ve got the Minotaur Belt as a lion. While you’re a dragon. With a lion shield.
    • “And a Potion of Bull’s Strength.” (J.W. is a Dragon Disciple with a Snakeskin Tunic, Minotaur Belt, Lion Cloak, Tiger’s Shield (homebrew Lion’s Shield made out of wood), and a Potion of Bull’s Strength.)
  • “Zari, you are no longer a squirrel.”

Things You Don’t Want Your Players to Say

  • after flailing “One was my lucky number!” said half an hour after being petrified by a prismatic wall via a nat 1 despite a +40 Fort save
  • “So I have a dumb question.”
  • “So when you’re done, I have a weird question.”
  • “So you can push the limits on wish, right? … Can you push the limits on, say, miracle…?”
  • “I go with my original plan, which is to take out a Greater Extend Rod and the red beryl repeater, and cast time stop.”
    • Everyone laughs. (It’s 4d4+4 rounds!)
    • “The first thing I’ll do is cast vision.”
  • “I literally made her my quarry two months ago.”

Things You Don't Want Your GM To Say

Meier LawrenceMoy